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(This is all the fault of a conversation with allonymist and yoctohedron.)

C: You are a paranoid schizophrenic who spends most of your time confused about which type you should be, convinced that blatantly false things are true because your extreme efficiency leaves no room for sensible error checking. Moreover your terseness encourages people to interact with you badly, providing incomplete and ambiguous instructions for which you nevertheless come up with a legal interpretation, even though most of the time it is completely nonsensical. People come to you because you promise them simplicity, not realising that below the surface you're a rat's nest of issues. In the end you are always abandoned for someone like C++ or Python.

Python: Python cares deeply about you and does its best to make your life easier. Python is willing to try new things to make you happy -- "Sure, I can do generators, if that's what you want" -- and really doesn't mind if you're seeing other languages on the side. It insists upon arranging the cupboard into strict rows, but you stop noticing after a while, and eventually you come to prefer your shelves organized this way. Your friends think this is weird until they start dating Python too.

Ruby: Your older sister is the most popular cheerleader in school, but she's kind of a slut. You think that maybe if you add more features, the boys will like you just as much.

PHP: You've seen what works for Ruby and you think it will work for you too, but you haven't figured out that lipstick doesn't go on your cheeks and you shouldn't brush your hair with a mascara wand.

C++: C++ has seen people in love, and thinks it has everything figured out. C++ thinks it loves you, but it errs on the side of being controlling when it thinks it's being concerned and caring.

Ada: You are far more flexible than C++, and know how to be strict and forgiving at the same time. However, your tendency to wear the bondage and discipline gear all the time, as opposed to when your lover asks you to bring it out, frightens people off. You need to learn to stop calling people "worm" and "slave" in front of their mothers.

Java: You try to be loving, but you were raised by a commune of 60 nervous women who have told you that everything you do is loving, even when it isn't. Your unhelpful behaviors have never been corrected and everything you do is subtly wrong and destructive.

JSP: You are Java's younger sister, working in a strip club to pay for your women's studies degree.

Perl: You're incredibly enthusiastic and you have five different ways of doing anything that anyone could possibly want to do. As a result, you tend to overwhelm people and you leave a bad impression on people who could otherwise benefit from knowing you. You promise people answers to all their questions, but you're not ready for a real relationship. You like to guess what people want, but tend to jump to conclusions. When other people would say "what, really?", you've already gotten out a ball-peen hammer and a tub of beeswax. Because of this, people find themselves speaking to you using a range of expressions and vocabulary even more limited than what they'd use for someone who didn't speak the language at all.

Smalltalk: Smalltalk won't meet you outside Smalltalk's apartment. Smalltalk says that if you really loved it, you wouldn't leave.

OCaml: You know yourself to be fast, smart, and extremely reliable. However, you look kind of funny and nobody really wants to talk to you. You spend most of your time sitting in a public library glaring at people, occasionally yelling "NOBODY HERE APPRECIATES MY GENIUS!" and getting kicked out.

Prolog: You are a deaf and blind synthaesthete, who experiences the world entirely through smells, each of which triggers expansive flurries of poetry and music in your mind. Certain problems are trivial for you, but nobody will ever understand the answers you give them, because your numbering system involves colors that cannot be perceived by humans. Prolog can sometimes have a good time with people, but it's hard for a person to stay with someone who only wants them for their ochre vibrato.

Lisp: Lisp cares about you, but really loves itself more than it will ever love you. Lisp thinks that it's the world's greatest lover, and it is a lot of fun, but it's completely blind to its own inadequacies. Watch out: it flies into a rage if it finds you've been seeing C on the side. Lisp swears up and down that it can be anything and anyone you want, and in a lot of ways it's right, but in the end, it's still Lisp.

Logo: Lisp's adorable 7-year-old niece who likes to play with her toy turtle. On casual conversation, she proves to be disturbingly worldly and well-informed. You resolve not to let your kids play around Lisp's house. Thinking about using Logo in any serious way makes you feel a bit dirty.

Visual Basic: You're a fifteen-year-old girl with her very own computer in her room, pinging random strangers on AIM and claiming to be a 23-year-old girl who wants to cyber with them. However, your efforts fail at convincing people, mostly because you aren't very imaginative and most of the things you're promising them are ideas you ripped off from other sources and changed slightly, leaving them less believable.

ASP.NET: As above, except you're a fifteen-year-old boy.

Objective C: You grew up in a cold and loveless home. Everything you know about love, you learned by listening to Smalltalk and Lisp's sex parties in the apartment next door. Now you have met a sweet young thing named Darwin, and you are eager to please.

Dylan: Sombody sat Lisp down and told it it was too clingy. Now it's bipolar.

Twisted: Twisted Python not only loves you, it loves everyone, in 10ms intervals, on demand. But once you learn to take turns, you don't notice the difference.

E: E is very clear about its hard limits, and there are a lot of them. It tells you up front what you're not allowed to do, and sometimes you end up forgetting what you can do without pissing it off.

lex/yacc: lex and yacc are those twins you have a one-night stand with every couple of years. In the intervening period, you forget all about the neat tricks they can do, and every time you meet up you end up learning them all over again. But they're really rather one-sided, and schizophrenic in the same way C is, so in the end it's good that they're not after you for a long-term relationship.

Haskell: Haskell is pretty, but always uses an elaborate range of prophylactic techniques. By the time you're all in place, the person you're with no longer resembles Haskell. If you've had other lovers, Haskell doesn't like many of the things that you may have come to enjoy doing with them. Haskell will pretend never to have heard of these things, and call you a pervert.

SML/NJ: You cannot take anything away from a relationship with SML/NJ that you did not bring with you. If you leave anything at SML/NJ's apartment when you break up, SML/NJ will leave it on your doorstep without ringing the bell.

Assembler: Assembler has no limits -- none whatsoever -- but you have to make it do what you want. It will not make a move to help you; assembler just lies there.

FORTRAN: FORTRAN isn't a real relationship. Telling people you're happy with FORTRAN is like telling people you'll be happy taking care of your cats for the rest of your life and don't really need another person.


( 134 comments — Leave a comment )
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Mar. 1st, 2006 01:03 am (UTC)
"assembler just lies there"

Jan. 5th, 2007 11:01 am (UTC)
Hm.. There is something. But generally nice assay;)
all - sich67 - Jan. 20th, 2007 02:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
all - sich67 - Jan. 20th, 2007 11:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sharaf_maksumov - Apr. 16th, 2007 02:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - 7wrc - May. 2nd, 2007 04:09 am (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 1st, 2006 01:04 am (UTC)
Lovely. What about bash (or indeed any shell script): One of those girls who you really are very fond of but can never be anything more than a fuck buddy. Sure, it's fun to fool around with her and this tends to happen more often than you really intend, but as soon as it turns serious everything becomes a really terrible mess.
Jun. 26th, 2010 02:00 am (UTC)
It's my first time to post a reply, thanks for your sharing.
Mar. 1st, 2006 01:15 am (UTC)
RATFOR: Like Fortran, except you write (and post) fanfics where one of your cats turns into a dashingly uninhibited catboy/catgirl and sweeps you off your feet.

Clu: Learned everything it knows about relationships from a manual published in 1972 by a hippie commune, and refuses to learn any more. Friendly, but inflexible.

COBOL: COBOL is a sad office accountant that nobody loves. Nobody ever sees COBOL outside of the office. From time to time, somebody wonders whether they could break COBOL out of its shell. When they try to flirt with COBOL, COBOL just stares blankly ahead, as if waiting for the punchline.

Scheme: Your parents asked their friend Lisp to dress up as a schoolteacher and introduce you gently to the arts of love. At first, everything is smooth, if a bit idiosyncratic. Before long, though, scheme has asks whether you want to try something really fun, and then out come call/cc and the hygenic macros.

Matlab: Matlab stands on a street corner, and does one thing. Matlab does this one thing very well, and very quickly. Some people try to have relationships with Matlab. They think that Matlab has a beautiful soul, and they like that thing that Matlab does. This always ends badly: Matlab has no love for anybody. Matlab is dead inside.
Mar. 3rd, 2006 05:49 pm (UTC)
I went out with a COBOL programmer for a while, and you're closer to the truth than you might think....
Mar. 1st, 2006 01:31 am (UTC)
XML: After six months, you discover that XML is actually a realdoll and not really a person at all, but you've already bought her so many accessories and attachments that you're determined to make your relationship work.

XSLT: Look! When you pose XML like this, it looks like she's breathing!

XML-CSS3: Look! XML has her own livejournal!

XML-Schema: Look! XML is answering online quizzes about what she likes and dislikes!

XML-Namespace: Look! Your friends have brought their XMLs over! It's like they're having a party!

ASN.1: Like XML, excecpt that you're way more serious about it. You can hear ASN.1's voice whispering to you when you're not around, telling you to do things to make it happy. Eventually, you marry it. Your friends try to help you: you push them away one by one. They don't understand. Nobody understands ASN.1 but you.
Mar. 1st, 2006 05:23 am (UTC)
Perl6: Like Perl, but after major body-alteration surgery, just to make you happy. Perl6's body certainly looks younger and firmer, if you can overlook the frankensteinian scar tissue. Moreover, there are certain... enhancements. All of perl6's joints bend both ways; all of perl6's body parts are fully reconfigurable any way you like them. If your friends could see what you do with Perl6, they'd learn more about your taste than you necessarily want to make public.
Mar. 1st, 2006 05:59 am (UTC)




Also: "PHP, It's like Perl, but stupid."

Mar. 3rd, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC)
True Ogre style, indeed. Missed you at CodeCon.
Mar. 1st, 2006 07:29 am (UTC)
...is it bad that even as a non-programmer, I found this funny? *grin*
Mar. 3rd, 2006 08:29 pm (UTC)
While many programmers do know multiple languages, very few people in the world actually are familiar with all of them (probably no one). Even programmers laugh at some that they only vaguely understand.
(no subject) - blue_jean_girl - Mar. 5th, 2006 10:38 am (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 1st, 2006 08:11 am (UTC)
Erlang: your boyfriend always seems to have the right answer for every situation, but you can't shake the feeling that he's just reading them from a big script somewhere. His left hand and his right hand don't seem to know what the other is doing. When you fight, and he can't figure out what to do, he tends to disconnect and revert back to a previous known-good state, like a kind of willful amnesia. He is excellent on the phone.

INTERCAL: You are a cuddly teddy bear made out of barbed wire and asbestos, raised in a cage as a lab animal. You were taught to love by a bitter psychology grad student with a grudge against the world. In your experience, jabbing people with knives is a show of affection, and berating them with insults represents empathy. Girls ask you out on a dates because their friends dared them to do so. You will die alone. Also, the only words you know are in Estonian.

Malbolge: You are the third cousin once removed of Satan. Too evil to live, too cute to care. Your sharp teeth and claws make foreplay a painful experience, which is just the way you like it. People think they like you because you're bad, but if they were to stop and think about it, they'd realize that no, they don't really like you at all.
Mar. 1st, 2006 08:17 am (UTC)
C#: Your wealthy parents always told you that the other kids were just jealous of how smart you are. They were lying. Everybody hates you because you are an arrogant and fickle jerk. You think everyone will keep up with your whims and sudden changes of direction, but in fact the only reason they play with you is because their parents make them. Your girlfriend broke up with Java to go out with you, and will break up with you the moment your stock portfolio begins to wane. Clowns make rude gestures to you behind your back.

Lua: you've heard of love, but it isn't important enough to have around all the time, so you keep it in a separate module and just bring it out on special occasions. As a result, you tend to forget what the syntax is and how everything is supposed to fit together.
Mar. 1st, 2006 08:33 am (UTC)
In fairness, C#'s girlfriend really is happier with C# than with Java. This is probably because C# has learned from Java's mistakes, but not deeply. C# is trying to be a better Java instead of being a better person

Maybe C# is Java, 5 years later: bitter and compromised. After leaving the commune and his 60 mommies, Java was full of self-righteousness and misguided idealism.

Then, the real world hit. The self-righteousness is still there, but the idealism has turned to cynicism. Java now thinks you need to be a little impure sometimes to get what you want; that you need to offer your lovers a little syntactic sugar to get them to treat you nice.

Java has taken to calling itself "C-Sharp" because it thinks it sounds more "street," and so it can go out and party without having its indelicacies get put on its permanent record.

"C#" is thinking of running for office some day, you see. "C#" will meet a nice trophy wife in law school. "C#" is only using you.

The ironic part is that C# is massively self-deluded: His grades aren't anywhere near good enough to get into law school, and his family connections aren't anywhere near good enough to get into politics. After breaking your heart and dumping you, he'll call you back years later, drunkenly, and brag about his job as a boat salesman, and then start crying.
Mar. 3rd, 2006 01:05 am (UTC)
The ironic part is that C# is massively self-deluded: His grades aren't anywhere near good enough to get into law school, and his family connections aren't anywhere near good enough to get into politics.

Given the recent history of U.S. politcs, maybe C# gets the last laugh.
(no subject) - keishadyfo - Jun. 1st, 2007 04:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 1st, 2006 08:41 am (UTC)
E: Whenever you try to talk dirty, you realize that you don't even have the vocabulary to say anything remotely kinky. Also, you're never quite sure if your messages are getting through, or when (if ever) they'll be acted upon. It's like phone sex via snail-mail with a pen-pal, but with chaperones.
Mar. 1st, 2006 08:45 am (UTC)
The Boost library is a suitcase that C++ carries around... "to be prepared", C++ says.

It's full of everything from a small hotplate so you can make C++ breakfast in bed, to an italian phrasebook so you can whisper sweet nothings in C++'s ear, to an engagement ring in case C++ decides you're the right one.

"Look, honey!", C++ says. "The breakfast kit has fresh eggs and imported swiss cheese and caviar and melba toast and a little coffeemaker! You'll make us the tastiest breakfast ever!"

The variety and forethought are impressive, and some of the stuff actually does wind up making your life with C++ easier and more pleasant, but you can't shake the feeling that the whole think is more about C++'s needs than yours.
Mar. 1st, 2006 08:56 am (UTC)
Forth is a beautiful but emotionally unstable foreign exchange student from Poland (reverse Poland, in fact). The sex is quick, hard, and vaguely confusing. You'll never really relate to each other: Forth communicates mainly through gestures, significant glances, and inappropriate touch. When you want something from Forth, you point to a Forth, point to a body part, and shout an imperative verb. Oddly, Forth sees nothing wrong with this arrangement.

Eventually, Forth will decide for unrelated reasons to go back home and forget ever having left Poland. This will include forgetting you.

Visual Basic for Applications is much like VB. She also claims to be 23 and try to cyber strangers at random, but the acts she proposes are so anatomically ludicrous that it's sson clear that she hasn't hit puberty yet, and has never actually seen another person naked.
Mar. 2nd, 2006 10:22 pm (UTC)
Visual Basic
the VB analogy is totally wrong, Visual basic is more like that high school slut that sleeps around with everybody cause shes easy, nobody likes her cause shes been around the block but they still use her cause its too hard to get into anybody elses pants.
Re: Visual Basic - (Anonymous) - Mar. 7th, 2006 09:23 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Visual Basic - (Anonymous) - Mar. 31st, 2011 08:24 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - antilamer - Aug. 11th, 2009 06:51 am (UTC) - Expand
Mar. 1st, 2006 09:15 am (UTC)
from school
Z, B, and UML share a flat together. Only UML actually has a job; the others are too artistically sensitive. They'll flirt with you; they'll weave elaborate fantasies (in painstakingly clinical detail) about what they want to do to you; and they'll write you long love letters about running away together. At no point will there be actual physical contact: they say their love is too pure.

Pascal has an almost charmingly naive notion of how matters should proceed: first one is introduced, next one flirts, and so on. The charm wears thin when you realize how inflexible Pascal is: once you're dating, Pascal won't flirt. Once you're going steady, Pascal won't date. If you move in together, Pascal will drive you crazy by alternating between displays of obsessive behavior ("This drawer is marked '24-piece flatware set', but there are 25 pieces!!!"), and rank slobbishness ("I didn't throw that trash away; I thought you might need it.").

Modula 3 and Delphi are Pascal's more well-adjusted cousins, but after Pascal, you're a little gun-shy. Besides, they don't have any friends anyway, and Delphi wants a small donation before your first date.

Mar. 1st, 2006 09:49 am (UTC)
Well done all, best Wednesday morning giggle I've had in ages.
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