June 13th, 2013

purple hair

[meta] Leitmotif

It occurred to me that I should say a little about the common thread that underpins pretty much everything I've written here since lifting radio silence, and will continue to do so for some time.

So I alluded to the whole aspie thing1 a few posts back. The interesting thing there is, when I first decided to look into the various non-normative functions of my brain, just before I started grad school, I was actually diagnosed with a non-verbal learning disorder. I fit all but one of those symptoms extraordinarily well -- and indeed, everyone asked, "but how come you're so good at math?" Still, "close" counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and psychology; at the time I had recently graduated with a BA in English (minor: African Studies2) after washing out hard in the hard-science/math weed-out courses, was working as a tech writer, and was preparing to start an MA in linguistics. It seemed reasonable to conclude that trig, while enough to land me a part-time job tutoring high schoolers for the math SAT, was about the limit of my native intelligence as far as math went.

A year later, Teodor Rus poached me into a PhD (that I never finished) in computer science, and, well, we all know where that ended up.

Apparently I am actually kind of good at math as long as I can treat it as a language.

(Granted, I have been doing most of my mathematical explorations on the discrete side of the house, but there are fields that bridge the discrete and continuous realms -- michiexile's specialty, algebraic topology, being one of them. And since michiexile and I are pretty good at finding ways to convey ideas to each other up to and including inventing them, there has been something of an osmosis effect, though really I need to just buckle down and get a solid grounding in group theory and then go devour algebraic topology and see whether that goes any more smoothly than, I dunno, going through calculus again on Coursera and then maybe diffeq or something. But I digress.)

I didn't mention this in my post about Len, but Twitter was a lifeline for my sanity in the weeks after he died. There was so much I needed to express, but the last fucking thing I wanted to do was have to talk to somebody in person and have to deal with whatever their reactions were. I tried to write, but I couldn't string ideas together for more than a few sentences. The written language was there -- for the thirty seconds at a time I could focus on anything. And, well, bramcohen had tweeted the news shortly after I called him3 anyway; the shoe fit well enough, so I wore it. Watching your brain put itself back together after severe emotional trauma can, as it turns out, be a fucking fascinating process -- and I was already primed, with help from a kickass therapist back during grad school who basically gave himself the equivalent of an associate's degree in computer science in order to help me come up with a set of coping mechanisms built out of CS metaphors that have significantly reduced the severity of my social anxiety, to treat my internal state as an algorithm with a panoply of inputs and outputs.

It is not too far a leap from that to "what else can language, both formal language theory and the physical science behind how organisms communicate, be a useful framing device for?" I guess when all you have is a hammer, everything really does look like a nail. This has nothing to do with why that library has that name, but it is an unintentionally hilarious coincidence nonetheless.

Anyway, there's that. Hopefully it provides some context.

1SID is pretty common among the autistic.
2It started with the Physical Anthropology 101 class I took for a social science gen ed, wended its way through primatology, human evolution, and archaeology, and rapidly turned into "Holy shit Africa is way more complicated and interesting than World History in high school ever let on."
3He was in fact the first person I called.