(SCENE: maradydd, just having finished making a batch of Rice Krispie treats, settles in on the couch to get some evening coding done.)

maradydd's PHONE: ring ring

(maradydd notes that the call is coming from an unknown caller, but answers anyway.)

PRE-RECORDED FEMALE VOICE: This is your final notification that the warranty on your vehicle is about to expire! Don't take the risk of driving without a warranty -- please press 1 to speak with one of our representatives about extended warranty coverage on your vehicle.

(maradydd calmly presses 1. Some HOLD MUSIC plays. A few seconds later, a MAN picks up.)

MAN: Good afternoon, can I get some information from you?

maradydd: Which vehicle of mine has a warranty that's about to expire?

(Long pause.)

MAN: Excuse me?

maradydd: I said, which vehicle of mine has a warranty that's about to expire?

MAN: I'm afraid I don't have access to that information, that's why I'll need to --

maradydd: So what's the point in calling me, if you don't actually know whether I have a vehicle with a warranty that's about to expire or not?

(Another long pause.)

MAN: Ma'am, is your number [REDACTED]?

maradydd: That's right.

MAN: I'll place your number on our do-not-call list, sorry to bother you.

maradydd: You have a nice day now. [hangs up]

Man, you take apart a monitor at a party and everyone wants to know what the hell you're doing.

I mean, L. and I had a perfectly good reason for it: it was a hacker party, we were working on hacking together a high-voltage power supply from a CFL and the flyback transformer from an elderly CRT, the setting and the task at hand seemed to go well together. Within a few minutes of arriving, we met a guy who had taken apart many, many CRTs before, and who was quite happy to hang back and give helpful tips. That was great, and I was equally happy to give the twenty or so people who wandered by in the next hour and a half a quick explanation of what we were up to. ("We're making a Jacob's Ladder, so we need a flyback transformer. Later we're going to use the power supply for another project, but a Jacob's Ladder seemed like a great way to test it.")

Where it got annoying, though was the couple or five people who basically demanded we justify our right to plunge our hands into the guts of a sacrificial monitor. "Isn't that going to release dangerous gases?" No, that's only if we break the tube, and we're not going to do that. "Those transformers can hold a lot of charge even after the monitor's off." Yes, and not only has this monitor not been turned on in two years, L. held a screwdriver across the leads to discharge any remaining charge. "But what do you need that strong of a power supply for?" A Jacob's Ladder sounded like fun, dammit.

The absolute best exchange, though, went something like this:

WELL-MEANING BUT ANNOYING PERSON: Does anyone here actually study electrical engineering?
maradydd, grinning: Not me!
L, grinning even larger: Why yes, in fact I do.

The irony, of course, is that L. is getting his PhD in electrical engineering because that's where they decided to put the cryptographers. Me? I build radios and do the odd bit of electrical work on cars.

I'm half tempted, if I do a hardware project at one of these things again, to print out a sign that reads YES, I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING, PLEASE DO NOT INTERRUPT ME.

(APARTMENT INTERIOR, day. maradydd, having lunched on hummus and garlic pita chips, enters the bedroom, leans over, and kisses enochsmiles on his nose.)

maradydd: I put a kiss on your nose.
enochsmiles: You put garlic in my nose.

Ten journalpoints and a cookie to whoever can come up with the best justification for the following code:

  for( i=0; i<2; i++ ) 
  {
    Kd[i] = (double **)mxCalloc(str1len+1,sizeof(double *));
    for( j=0; j<str1len+1; j++ ) 
    {
      Kd[i][j] = (double*)mxCalloc(str2len+1, sizeof(double));
    }
  }

I can just see the office conversation now:

TEAM LEAD: Jones, you keep forgetting to malloc() your arrays and we end up with segfaults all over the place.
DEVELOPER: Not this time! I malloc()ed those sons-of-bitches twice!

(cipherpunk, I am reminded of the infamous "if (j == 17) j = 17;" from the early days of Djinni.)

ETA: Oh, nevermind, it's frickin' 1:30 in the morning and I failed to notice the declaration of Kd as double **Kd[2] earlier in the source, not to mention the subscript in the first line of the for loop. Good thing I hadn't fired it off to the Daily WTF, though really, it wouldn't have hurt anyone to put in an explanatory comment. Subscripts are easy to gloss over sometimes.

(It's dusk in Mountain View. maradydd and enochsmiles, having just finished up dinner, are strolling along Castro. A cheerful SCIENTOLOGIST loiters outside the local Dianetics Centre. As maradydd and enochsmiles pass by, the SCIENTOLOGIST brandishes a leaflet.)

SCIENTOLOGIST: Evening! Can I interest either of you in a free stress test?
maradydd: That's okay, I've got enough stress in my life as it is.

In retrospect, that answer made absolutely no sense in an everyday context, but entirely too much sense given the context in which it actually occurred.

(Imagine both of us with completely straight faces.)

ME: Do you have anything I can use to spread this epoxy with?
MY DAD: No, but I'll go eat an Eskimo Pie so you don't have to.

(SCENE: the FIELD outside the IOWA MEMORIAL UNION, where the STUDENT ACTIVITIES FAIR is going on. MEREDITH and NATE are manning the booth for the UI chapter of the ASSOCIATION FOR COMPUTING MACHINERY, to the right of the DATE RAPE ADVOCACY PROGRAM booth.)

(A student approaches the EMPTY TABLE next to them and starts putting out flyers. NATE looks over to see what they are.)

NATE: So let me get this straight ... the ACM booth is right next to the Iowa Football booth.
(MEREDITH looks to the left at the other booth.)
MEREDITH: Actually, it looks like a bunch of geeks are the only thing between Iowa Football and date rape.

(There, now I've fulfilled the mandate of the t-shirt I'm wearing today.)

Edit: I'm sitting in the middle of a field pulling a wireless signal from God knows where; Nate is sitting next to me, doing statistics homework off images of textbook pages that he photographed with his digital camera because he doesn't have the money for the book yet. Between the two of us, the Game Boy Advance (with Japanese-language games on it) that Nate just whipped out, and our cellphones, I suspect we wield more computational power than the rest of the activities fair combined.

(Yeah, I know, that and two bucks will get us a cup of coffee at Starbucks. It's the principle of the thing.)

(TRIS and MEREDITH are watching the BAZ LUHRMANN version of LA BOHEME, on which much of RENT is apparently based. It is Act Four.)

(CHERYL BARKER, as MIMI, belts out several impossibly high notes, molto fortissimo.)

MEREDITH: You're dying and you can sing like that?
TRIS: Yeah, I'm about ready to forgive Trinity.

maradydd: So apparently I've had a Secret clearance for over a year now and the army just kinda never got around to mentioning it.
martian_bob: Well ... it was a secret.

MEREDITH: I suppose the link for "Give me a new random abstract to evaluate" shouldn't read "Thank you, sir, may I have another?"
ANDY: ... Well, not at release.

(Scene: the Chinese restaurant in the mall. MEREDITH, mycroftxxx, BOB THE WONDER GEEK, STEPHEN, TRISTAN and CRYPTOGEEKBOI are all seated around a table.)

CRYPTOGEEKBOI: ...and the proof took me six pages to write up. Mike managed to prove it in one.
BOB THE WONDER GEEK: (aghast) I can prove that in half a page! (pause) (points, a la George DeWitt) "Prove that lemma!"

Later, I will talk about the road trip with mycroftxxx, but now I am going to eat the ratatouille that Bob made. Mmm, ratatouille.

(MEREDITH, upstairs, hears Lord of the Rings-ish music and sfx, and the distinctive voice of Viggo Mortensen. She rushes downstairs.)

MEREDITH: Did the DVD get here? Is it the towers that there are two of?
ALEX (disappointed): No, it's the ring that there's only one of.

Alex, Tris and I are currently watching Powaqqatsi, which is the second in director Godfrey Reggio's trilogy of Philip Glass-scored documentaries about modern life and nature and the way they come into conflict. Where the first film, Koyaanisqatsi, was mostly about showing how life today has gotten far more fast-paced and frenetic, falling out of balance with nature, the second film focuses entirely on people, starting with idyllic sights of third world indigenous peoples leading their lives, then segueing into images of what has happened since then. (We are convinced, by the way, that Powaqqatsi, in some other language, means "a film about people who wear pink and carry things.") Eventually you end up with lots of very peaceful, idyllic scenes of people in cities, cars driving by, and very tall buildings. I think there's supposed to be a sense of conflict, but I'm not sure where it is.

Anyway, the following exchange just took place, prompted by a scene which I will excerpt a frame from shortly:

TRIS: The problem with this movie is that we're supposed to see this as bad.
ALEX: I just see this as dominoes.

(MEREDITH, AGE 26 falls screaming out of the sky and lands in a heap at the feet of MEREDITH, AGE 17.)

M17: Dude. You okay?
M26: (picks herself up and dusts herself off) Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. You're me--I mean, Meredith, right?
M17: Um, yeah.
M26: Good. Then I'm in the right place. Hi, I'm you, from the future.
M17: Uh ... huh. Is this like that story I wrote--
M26: The one with the girl who travels back in time two years and keeps having to deal with copies of herself? No. Not at all.
M17: Cool, you've heard of me! So does that book get published in the future?
M26: If it does, it hasn't by the time you're 26. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because there are some things about yourself you need to know, and I'm hoping I can save you some pain and trouble. You're pretty miserable right now, aren't you?
M17: I don't know as I'd say miserable, but ... well, kinda lonely a lot of the time.
M26: Yup. Been there. It's your first year of college, all your friends from high school are elsewhere except for April Ellis and Scott McCrosky who are usually busy doing something else, and you spend most of your time hanging out with Paul Amici, who's besotted with April; Andy Becker and Don Large, both of whom follow you around like puppies and you don't know why; and Richard the Damned, see above. Am I right?
M17: Yeah, pretty much.
M26: I'm gonna clear some things up for you. What you haven't figured out yet is that they're all into you because you're a geek chick, and they just don't have the courage or self-assurance to step up to the plate and say something about it. So let me ask you a quick hypothetical question. What do you think you'd do if one of them did?
M17: Uhh ... I dunno. I mean, they're all really nice guys, and if one of them was interested, then I probably should--
M26: Okay, wait, stop right there. You have to understand that there is no should. Whatever they happen to feel about you, that's all them. You're not obligated to do a goddamn thing, understand?
M17: I don't think I'm obligated. But I like all the attention, and if I don't respond in kind...
M26: Then what? You think they wouldn't hang out with you any more? You think you'd lose all future chances if you don't jump at one in the present? Kiddo, I know you because I've been you. You remember what it was like to be thirteen and completely alone, and you're terrified of turning anyone or anything down because you don't ever want to feel like that again. Well, look, after nine years of this shit, I can tell you that it does get better. By the time you're me, you're not going to be angsting over whether anyone's interested in you -- you're going to be angsting over whether you turned that guy down gently enough because you genuinely want to be friends with him and nothing else.
M17: Don't other people hate that?
M26: Well, yeah, they do. But there's nothing you can do about it. You're responsible for your own feelings and that's all. It isn't your fault if you're going on minding your own business and some guy decides he wants to make you his business. Just be kind, be benevolent, and look after what you want.
M17: ... I don't know what I want.
M26: (sighs) Yeah. Yeah, that's the problem, innit. And I can't tell you that. You get to find it out on your own.
M17: Do you know?
M26: Maybe. (pause) Maybe not. (long pause) Oh, and one other thing. This whole business about living 45 minutes away from the guy you love and not having a car -- that shit's for amateurs. Just so you know.
M17: Uh ... huh. (another long pause) By the way, nice hair.
M26: Thanks. You're going to meet this really great stylist when you move to I--

(MEREDITH, AGE 26 is drawn screaming into the sky by unseen forces and disappears.)

M17: Move to I? I what? Iceland? Ireland? I wonder where she meant...

Last night, whilst talking to a friend:

MEREDITH: Hold on, I need to put the phone down. My hands are on fire.

Apparently I've become a lot more sedate in my old age.

(They actually were on fire, too. I spilled lighter fluid on them while refilling my zippo, and when I lit it, my hands went up too. It didn't hurt, and I'm not burned, but it looked pretty impressive.)

SETTING: Bed, about five minutes ago

MEREDITH: So if we had kids, what would you do differently from your parents?
COLIN: I'd make them pay for special treats they wanted. You know, to teach them about budgeting. Like, when we went to the grocery store, if they wanted a special cereal, or pudding, they'd have to buy it out of their allowance.
MEREDITH: Okay, though I think we should make healthy snacks and things free. We'll have cheese, and Raisin Bran and Grape-Nuts, but if they want Cocoa Puffs, they're buying it.
COLIN: Right.
MEREDITH: And we'll put their name on it in marker, so that everyone knows it's theirs. And no one else is allowed to touch it, 'cause they bought it. And if someone else wanted some, they'd have to make an offer, and the kid could set the price.
COLIN: Wait a minute, so they could charge, like, five bucks for a bowl of Cocoa Puffs?
MEREDITH: But that's great! That teaches them about the supply and demand curve. If they set the price too high, the demand falls off.
COLIN: Okay, okay. But if there's nothing else to eat for breakfast in the morning, the government of the house is nationalizing those fucking Cocoa Puffs.

Evidently someone hid a portal at the front door of my office which transports everyone into a Monty Python sketch. Today's subject? Plaintext Mondegreens.

[SETTING: The cube-quad where JAMES, CHRIS M., CHRIS R., and JAKE sit. MEREDITH walks up from her small windowless office. VIC, the supervisor, enters from the other direction.]

VIC: ...I'm still trying to find half my pens.
CHRIS M.: They're ferrets. They love shiny things.
MEREDITH: Like Kiki!
JAKE: [pops head up] Kinky? Who said kinky?
CHRIS M.: You like Sluggy Freelance?
MEREDITH: Dude, I introduced Chris Glenn to Sluggy Freelance.
CHRIS M.: Glenn's into Sluggy?
MEREDITH: Yeah - he's like the Sluggy evangelist or something.
CHRIS R.: [Gets off a call] Who's a slinky evangelist?
VIC: That's okay. You should check out Fetus-X.
JAMES: What?
VIC: The main character is an aborted fetus in a jar.
[Another TECH walks up.]
TECH: An imported what in a jar?

-fin-

SETTING: In the hallway to the break room as I went to get a soda.

ZACK, the Network Operations Console guy having trouble getting a certain script to run on one of our racks: Hey! You're super-l33t ...
ME: (blinks) Why, thank you.

I have no idea how I managed to give off the impression that I know everything there is to know about everything. Some days I feel barely competent to do the job I have.

Now my boss is quitting, so I have ten days to become extremely competent, rather than spending my last 30 days in Houston muddling through and learning all I can about the business and tech sides of webhosting.

Help!

Real-life dialogue excerptia:

Me: They changed the special they were running at Fry's.
Jason: Oh no.
Me: Yeah, instead of a Duron 900 with a RAID motherboard, now it's a 1.1GHz Thunderbird with a RAID motherboard. For twenty bucks less.
Jason: And I bet you're going to tell me you got it.
Me: Nah, I couldn't quite talk my dad into springing $350 for all the other stuff I'd need.
Jason: Good. I don't have to hate you now.